Everything has changed. My life is completely different than it was a year ago. And maybe even a month ago. It’s all happened since the day of my 16th birthday. This past winter break was so happy and peaceful. And while I didn’t accomplish half the things that were on my agenda the day school got out, I felt better than I’d ever felt before.
I’m appreciating many of the things I disliked in the past. I love paintings. I enjoy visiting museums. I don’t have to be dragged on walks. My ridiculous pickiness with food has lessened a lot, but I’ll admit it’s still present. Above all these though, I’ve discovered an intense love of language.
I adore every second of French class. It happens to be far and away my hardest class, but still I love it more than any other. I’ve written more essays for that class than I’ve written in English class. Often I’ll find myself translating everything I say into French, and occasionally the French comes out unconsciously. Writing a good French essay is bliss. I feel like everything that gets on paper is poetic and clever.
This feeling can be largely attributed to the staggering benevolence of my French teacher, Madame Selvin. Some of my fellow students can’t stand her - she gives out buckets of homework, and expects so much all the time. She understands her students more than any other teacher I’ve ever met. She knows we procrastinate on large projects, she knows when we are giving ficticious excuses, and she knows when we’ve put a lot of effort into our work. Every day in the past few weeks, a former student of Madame Selvin’s comes in during class and has a mini reunion with her. I know there’s something special about her when I see this daily occurence in her class, and in none of my others. It makes me feel lucky to have her at our school.
Essentially, I have finally discovered the painting that’s been hanging on my wall since I was six. For all my previous years, language has just been a tool. A method of communication, but nothing more. And now, thanks in part to French class, it’s become an essential part of my life. If you browse through the archives of my posts, you’ll be able to see some profound changes in writing style and mindfulness of language.
I’ve also had an entirely different change. This one’s in the social arena. I’ve developed an incredibly special relationship with two people. The three of us have reached this beautiful plateau where nothing is held back. Anything I feel, good or bad, can be confided in them. I don’t need to worry about their opinion. If we’re in complete disagreement over something, we don’t have to comtemptuously hold back our feelings or bicker about it. We know we’ll still love each other the next day. Not having to worry about that is fantastically blissful.
I’ll meddle in love now. All of the relationships I’ve ever been in have had something held back. And that’s obviously to be expected of middle and early high school. There was always a level of emotional intimacy that couldn’t be reached. Now I’ve penetrated a different and deeper region of my heart. This girl, she’s one of those two friends I mentioned. I don’t fancy her. I’m not obsessed with her and I don’t worship her. But I love her so damn much. And I have since that sweeping birthday that changed me so much. I used to constantly worry about every action I took with a girl. Everything had to be calculated and inspected for emotional hints. That sky-scraping barrier has been undone now. My mind isn’t nagged with tension and nervousness. Even if perhaps she’s not in love with me, I’m happy.
That’s all for now. I don’t really expect a lot of comments on this post. It’s not one of those discussion-oriented that Jalenack usually possesses. I felt like I had to write this down, if only for my own well-being. This is the most personal I’ve been here, and oh does it feel good.
There've been 17 whole comments
5:33 pm on 1/17/2006 1. disdat
Your passion for language is misplaced, if you can speak english you can go out and speak with anyone anywhere. English is becoming a modern Esperanto, and everyother language is just there for ceremonial purposes.
5:42 pm on 1/17/2006 2. Sam
And if you spoke Chinese I’m sure you would still be saying the same thing. That it’s just for the ceremonies.
Your understanding of English is obviously exquisite as you so eloquently expressed your ideas.
Have you ever left your hometown?
5:55 pm on 1/17/2006 3. Andrew
Disdat, we’re talking on totally different levels. You’re regarding English as a communication device, I’m regarding it as a messenger of the arts. Sure, everyone can speak English. But perhaps they don’t appreciate the great works of literature, poetry, music, etc. that are spawned from it. Language is more than just a way to get your point across.
You’ve just tossed away every other language as ‘ceremonial.’ Whole cultures are built around languages and their wonderful uniqueness. Without different languages, the world would lack the wonderful diversity it enjoys today.
9:00 pm on 1/17/2006 4. disdat
There are no arts associated with english, they are just printed words, or 0 and 1s. Every language is a useless port of “expression” but they are dumb. There is no point to having many different languages when you could just have one.
11:30 pm on 1/17/2006 5. Jon
Disdat: Wrong about no arts associated with English. Heard of Poetry? Or how about Prose? And have you ever read T.S. Eliot, who uses other languages other than English in his poetry to make a point uniquely in each language? If there were no point to having many different languages, tell me why Greek has a multiple number of words that can’t be translated to English but only vaguely described. There’re multiple ways of looking at it, but the fact of the matter is that there is something of an art to language that’s uniquely dynamic, like the worldviews of many people.
And Andrew, if you’ve not seen it, I recommend “Garden State.” That’s the one thing that comes to mind for me reading the post.
4:52 pm on 1/18/2006 6. disdat
Sure i have heard of poetry and whatnot, but what purpose does it serve? Is poetry just comprised of purty words or does it have a purpose on this planet? Give me one good reason that i should give a damn about some nicely written papers.
6:29 pm on 1/18/2006 7. Andrew
Beautiful writing inspires emotion – that one thing that sets us apart from animals. We can truly experience emotion, we have a depth that is not matched anywhere on Earth.
Poetry is one of many ways to convey one’s emotions. There are millions of ways to express oneself, through music, through art, through speech, and on and on. All these serve a beautiful and sacred purpose – to make us feel. Surely you do not deny that?
6:44 pm on 1/18/2006 8. Nella
The quality of art, in my opinion, is directly related to the intensity of the emotions that it stirs within you. This is a far more important factor then say, the amount of effort that went into it. I would always rather listen to a song that sends a catchy beat pulsing through my body than listening to a musician playing the most complex piece with the utmost dexterity. Art is what exercises your spirit.
7:48 pm on 1/18/2006 9. disdat
Animals experience emotion, you dumbass. Are humans not animals, are we some sort of strange superbreed?
8:06 pm on 1/18/2006 10. Jon
(in response to disdat:)
Ever read “Hard Times?” “Now I want nothing but facts, sir! Facts facts facts!” Nothing but fact, remove everything else that doesn’t have practical value.
If you believe in nothing but practical value, what’s the point of art? What’s the point of music? What’s the point of anything of no practical value?
If you carry this view in language, why don’t you be consistent in your views in everything then… What would limit practicality to just language for you?
8:14 pm on 1/18/2006 11. Andrew
You’re damn straight we’re some sort of super breed. There’s nothing like us. We’ve got something that animals don’t have – the ability to reason.
Animals may experience emotion at some level. But it’s pretty much a direct reaction to stimulus. They can’t ponder over what they hear. The emotion they experience has no depth.
And look, calling me a “dumbass” is getting you nowhere. I’m not really interested in carrying on this ridiculous argument we’re having…I’d much rather people would actually explore what I said in my post than bicker about the differences between humans and animals.
8:42 pm on 1/18/2006 12. disdat
Well, facts are the only thing that matters in life, sure you could just sit in front of a goddamned boombox listening to your silly music while you read a book with printed words and contemplate them. But that will get you nowhere in life, do that at work, and you’re out of a job, do that in school, and you’re sure as hell going to fail.
10:44 pm on 1/18/2006 13. Jon
disdat:
Then what’s the difference between us and animals if your proposition of only facts for everything? They’re nothing but simply rules by which we operate for survival then, and so animals are the same way. Thus by following through your own philosophy, we have no significant meaning in life except existence and survival (and even those mean nothing to cold facts). We’re as good as dead. That’s what your saying, isn’t it?
My view and last word on the subject: art gives expression and meaning, meaning by which we live by. Facts are tools for survival, but they alone don’t tell us how to live or help make us live, they don’t have meaning in themselves for that. We need meaning, and for that we need art, yes with the facts, that we may know how to really live our lives the way we should and give us true meaning. Period.
And out of respect for the author of the blog and everyone, I should shut up now and keep to the subject.
Andrew, ever had any inspiration to check out philosophy? That’d seem to fit your style, the way you seem to be going from the post. I personally love the subject, so maybe that’s why I ask.
3:35 pm on 1/20/2006 14. Kevin
Disdat is a fool.
English is not the language of the 21st century, it is still the language with the most fluent speekers but manderan is in close second, and since one out of every five people is from china and there doesn’t seam to be any halt in china’s grow i would say soon english will be out dated.
And poetry is an art. Humans are the only creature the expresses themself in more ways than just grunting, though it seams you have forgotten this.
Andrew, that was a beautiful post. The best part was the phrase “buckets of homework.” im sure that if she thought we wouldn’t die she would give us enough homework to fill several buckets. Oh… the sweet joys of learning.
5:44 pm on 5/14/2006 15. disdat
Allow me to reiterate, English>French. Why? English can get you anywhere, Europe, North/South America, Asia, and Africa. French, can get you to France and Quebec, where people generally speak English as a second Language. I think that one language is all that we need, and English is great for filling in that void which is so stupidly torn apart by the other languages that others of the world hold on to with such ignorance.
4:34 am on 3/27/2008 16. Virginie
Hi, I’m french.
I’ve read your article, and the comments too. I know that a lot of people think that french is useless, they are right… Mais ce sont les choses inutiles qui servent le plus
However, disdat, you’re wrong. We learn english in class but french people don’t speak english. They don’t understand it, they can’t even understand a movie in english with english subtitles.
Anyway… I’ve just noticed that it’s been 2 years since the last comment so disdat must have forget what he said.
Nice blog, and good luck for everything, if you need help in french i’m here
12:48 pm on 4/12/2008 17. surplusxmas
disdat: Your assumption that life and society are one and the same is utterly ignorant. True, they may be bound together at present, but they are NOT the same thing.
Jon: Why is there any reason to believe that humans have a purpose for life? To live and die; that’s about all I see. Make of it what you will, influence those around you, and make everyone’s stay in this universe a better one.
Kevin: The only reason that Mandarin has such a high population of speakers is because of China’s enormous population. The fact is, though, that it’s so centralized. English was spread throughout the world over many centuries of empire and conquest, while Chinese has been bubbling in a relatively tiny hotspot for thousands of years. I don’t think we have to worry about English going obsolete anytime soon.