This past Thursday, a good friend left my school. It came as a sad shock to me, knowing that I could have made things different.
This friend, whom I’ll keep nameless, has a lot of things going against him. When he came from Africa to America a few years ago, he had no idea he was about to be swept into the volatile young African-American male culture. Living with his dad in a “ghetto” neighborhood, he was easily consumed by the “ghetto” culture.
I knew him last year; but being in many of my classes this year made him a good friend. Early on I could tell he was different from a lot of the “ghetto” kids. I could see two sides of him, one of which his teachers failed to see. There is his “gangsta” side, buying a grill, sagging his pants, and talking about the ‘hood. But the side I see in him, the side that made me want him to succeed so bad, is his hard-working side. Beneath the bling, he tries so hard to do well in school and generally stay on the good side of things.
In my classes with him, I saw him struggle with the teacher’s stereotyping him. The work he did do was hardly ever recognized or appreciated. After awhile, he understandably stopped trying. A 0% is just as good as a 50%, and they’re both Fs. In the beginning, he would often call me on my cell, asking for help on homework. I would willingly help him, and it developed a special compassion in me to help him out whenever I could. I knew, if no one else did, that he did care about his future.
At the beginning of the current semester, the fresh start gave him a new leaf in school. I saw his Fs turn into Cs. This brought me renewed hope that he would turn out and go to college and be a great guy.
That happened for a couple weeks. Then things collapsed. He ran away from home, living at his aunt’s house. He didn’t come to school for a week. Then, when things were starting to get on track again, he got in a fight, and I didn’t see him for another week. The day I saw him again, it was with his schoolbooks in his hands, returning each one to their respective teachers. He was leaving. I wouldn’t see him at school anymore. Gone.
This entire story breaks my heart. There had been a battle, and his “ghetto” side had won. The saddest part is his story is not unique — this happens all the time. Innocence turns sour all over the place. When a different African kid came to one of my classes last year, he was honest and studious. Now he’s traded in his khakis and polo for baggy pants and a doo-rag. It’s a vicious cycle, and I feel helpless to stop it.
The saddest thing for me is the fact that I could have helped more. I know I could have helped my friend stay afloat and help him with his schoolwork - even tutor him. And now he’s gone. I know this is not the end - he’s going to another school, and that may be just what he needs. But that doesn’t stop my worrying.
There've been 8 whole comments
4:53 pm on 3/19/2006 1. disdat
tear
6:51 pm on 3/19/2006 2. Neil
Wow, that was quite sad. Sometimes things happen in life and your not really sure why. It looks life God has decided to throw you a curve ball on this one, and even though you will miss your good friend he is going to be where God wants him to be. God had decided that you had completed your work with him and it was time for him to lead a different path.
God wanted you to learn from your expierence with your friend, and now that your friend is gone you can find another individual to inspire.
But enough with the preacher stuff! I’ve never had this happen to me, well at least not in the sense that you have had. I am sure that your friend appreciates what you have done for him, but it was just time for him to move on.
Don’t let this be a deterrant from continuing your good works. Bring this event up in class and together maybe you can help your school learn a lession as you did. Then together you won’t have to help the next person in need all alone. You will have your school behind you.
You will worry about your friend, and that is good. But that doesn’t stop you from calling him and checking up on him does it? You can still help him out with homework, can’t you? Just because your main feeding line is severed doesn’t mean you can’t try another? Try and give your friend a ring, and then maybe, just maybe you can help him through these tough times.
Take Care.
7:49 pm on 3/20/2006 3. Kevin
Damn. Thats pretty sad. I know who you’re talking about but i will refer to them as “Fredric.” Man, if you actually could tell that a teacher was stereo typing down his grade, you should deffinatly tell someone. Its almost diversity “week” too. Jeez. Yeah, i’m actually doing a descution (fack) about diversity in school. If you wanna talk at the next one yeah.
8:18 pm on 3/20/2006 4. Joey
Andrew, this story makes me so sad. I’m sorry to see that our society has encouraged this to continue. That we as humans don’t do something more about it. That I don’t do something more about it.
7:08 pm on 3/21/2006 5. disdat
Jeez, it was his choice, stop trying to sound so chauvinistic.
5:55 pm on 3/25/2006 6. metropost
What a great post - I had a very similiar friend in high school. There were alot of things I admired about him - his cool, his basketball game, his sense of humour. But he always had a dark attitude that would eventually spiral down to gangster and drug issues. But when the shit hit the fan, he was there for me. One day in the middle of a cold winter night, my landlords (older sister) locked the door on me. They had enough of my partying. I wandered the streets and bumped into him - he was also wandering the streets, upset about his relationship with his girl. I spent 3-4 weeks sleeping on his floor. I saw him fighting with his drunk father, and trying to be a role model to his baby sisters. In the end, I was ok, and he went further and further down a reckless path. People can always “choose” to be good or straight, but I can tell you that its much harder for people with 10 strikes against them, then for you and I.
8:31 pm on 4/1/2006 7. nik
Wow, that is amazingly sad. As you said, and what makes it even sadder, this is hardly a unique phenomenon — it literally happens all the time. Society as a whole puts racism behind us — after all, don’t we devote an entire month to Black History? And everyone can sit at the front of the bus, now! See, everything’s swell.
But, the problem is, everything isn’t swell. Terrible, life-changing things like this happen all the time. What makes this particular story unique, however, is that it was noticed: by you. Normally, these types of things would be simply put off in numerous ways: he was a bad kid all along. He decided to be influenced in a bad way. Transitions. Drugs. Family. Any of these might be true (though, more often then not, over-blown) but the point is, all of these excuses ignore the fundamental problem: society set him up, and he hardly had a chance. Yet people dismiss it all the time, because, frankly, it’s much easier to say “he’s a bad kid” then to admit that our system, and many involved in it, has serious issues.
1:10 pm on 4/16/2007 8. Steve Dougherty
That’s incredibly sad… I would hope that society’s negative messages wouldn’t have that much impact, but it wouldn’t really make sense if they didn’t… Well, best of luck to both you and your friend.